I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
