god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
