Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
