My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
