Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
