Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
