Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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