happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will be naked everywhere
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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