The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
