at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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