I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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