If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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