I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Is it because I queefed?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
