she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
