no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Come on in and take your pants off
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
