Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
