I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
