If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
