Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
