so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
