We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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