my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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