sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
