he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
