she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You left your phone here
Wait...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
