Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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