she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
