dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
