you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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