Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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