Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
