i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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