I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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