if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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