We're like a lot better than the average bears
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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