i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
