how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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