i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
