We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
