They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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