the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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