dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
