So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
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I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.