I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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