I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
