It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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