booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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