I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
