would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
