I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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