One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
