i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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