and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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