I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I looked at my own cervix.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
