I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
