It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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