so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
