tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I need a beard to bite.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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