between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
